Plain Jane

Tough day, better tomorrow?

2011-08-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

There are some things that you can just never un-see. There are also things that are never explained well until you do them. When both of those instances combine, you get mass hysteria. I have noticed thus far on wards that your mood is contagious. If you're in a bad mood, then most of your team will be. If you are really stressed, then most of your team will be. If you are FREAKING OUT, then most of your team will be. I've noticed that it's multiplied by 20 when it's the leader of the team. You always think about those that are meant to be leaders and those that aren't. There's a reason that you are told to "set a good example," especially a sense of calm.

My new challenge is to be the rock. Luckily, I have had 2 great boys at my side that make this a little easier. They are less malleable when it comes to a high stress level. They may freak out on the inside, but they keep it together. I would like to think that I hold it together, but my face is all telling. There is just not a good way to keep the shock at bay. When the people in charge freak out, it trickles down and multiplies. Today, that was very apparent. I just wonder sometimes how people do this every day. I will adjust and learn. Today was tough. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Maybe I just need a full weekend off. Thankfully, that is this weekend.

The Simple Things

2011-08-07T14:09:00.001-07:00

I've noticed that it's the little things that matter. Little things can turn into big things - good or bad. For example, my laundry piles up all week, and my room becomes cluttered (shocking!). At the end of the weekend when I feel guilty, I begin to clean up sections of the room or do a load of laundry. On Monday when I'm getting ready, it feels great! It's like a whole new world that is in order. (If only all of life was this simple!) Then, there are little things that bug you to death and end up driving you crazy.

When I'm stressed or feeling like a failure at, well, life, the simple act of putting something else in order makes life more manageable. You would think that I would have figured this out by now, but I guess I forgot. Just sharing this little pearl. So, just doing something simple for someone else is a small little miracle. I miss my dad b/c he does that for us - getting a tank of gas or running and errand for us. He is busy too, but he is always willing to do something small for us. Man, I wish I were in the Ham! :)

Forgive and Forget

2011-06-30T18:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, my pastor from my church at home gave a wonderful sermon on forgiveness. I just thought I would share his points.

Saying yes to forgiveness can you you the freedom to say, "I love you." Love can cover a multitude of sins. Love is not about changing people into what you want them to be. It's easy for us to get trapped in criticism. (Amen!)
Saying yes to forgiveness can give you the freedom to say, "I am sorry." We want to be forgiven, but we have problems passing that along. God freely forgives us, but we are very slow to forgive each other.
Saying yes to forgiveness can give you the freedom to say, "You are forgiven." Forgiveness is like a light - it dispels the darkness.

In closing, he said that when you say yes to forgiveness, you set the prisoner free. And, that prisoner is you. When you can't forgive, you give people power over you.

These simple things really made an impact with me. It's really easy to forgive but never forget. Every time you get into a fight, you bring up every wrong doing that a certain person has done against you. We're all guilty of that one. True forgiveness is letting go, and let me tell you - that is the hard part. It's so easy to carry all that anger and hurt around with us. How do you let go? Well, I don't necessarily have the answer to that, but in the end, I always end up thinking about how it's not that big of a deal.... Sin is sin. We all hurt. We all damage other people. It's a natural human flaw. If we learn nothing from it or don't let go of it all, it weighs us down. Plus, I feel like most of the time people really are sorry - we just don't want to hear it b/c we would rather hang on to all the hurt. Not really easy, but I guess that really isn't the point.

Good things, bad things

2011-05-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year in my life as a second year med student - studying for step 1 (DUM, DUM, DUM!). I am officially half way through and scared to death that I'm going to fail or bomb it. I have been feeling rather whiney lately (surprise, surprise). Then, today at church I had a reality check.

Our head pastor and his wife were in a horrible wreck the Saturday before Palm Sunday. They were both badly injured. Today was his first day back preaching. He was standing in the pulpit wearing a neck brace. His wife has yet to come back to church (her recovery has been slow due to the severity of her injuries). He stood up there and described what happened. He was napping as they were driving back from seeing family just a few hours north of Mobile. His wife was driving down I-65. The next thing he knows, he's awakened by his wife saying, "Oh God, I have just run off the road." From other accounts, they have figured out that they flipped 5 times before coming to a halt upside down about 5 miles outside of Greenville. He only remembers bits of what happened b/c he lost consciousness. But at one point, they woke him up in the ambulance and told him to say goodbye to his wife and tell her that he loved her b/c she was being air lifted to Mobile.

He went on to say that it's been really hard and to thank those that have been so kind and talked to him the couple of Sundays that he came to church (without his wife) to just participate in the services. He said that it's really hard to go through something like this and then come home. (He and his wife have been staying with their daughter, son-in-law, and new grandbaby.) I can't imagine what it's been like for their family. All I have to say is that it's a miracle that they're both alive (considering the crash and injuries). You know, for someone to just be celebrating a new baby in the family and then be struck by tragedy is just awful. However, he (and his family) have been able to get through it - with the help of many, I'm sure. I guess it just goes to show you that no matter how miserable you are or how hard things get, God sends people and messages for you. Whether they're messages of love or a reality check, He's got it covered.

Another thing that our pastor said today - bad things happen quickly. It's the good things that take a while - like finishing school or building a life with someone. I just thought that was very true. You never see the bad things coming. They just hit and move on - like the damage in T-town due to the tornadoes or a car wreck that changes your life. But, good things - like recovery and the help of friends - those take time. Just as healing.

Mawaige is what bwings us together today

2011-04-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

I think it's comforting sometimes to realize that you are not alone in your problems. I find myself and many others contemplating the same thing lately - marriage. I think that it's really hard growing up in the South, where my aunt was married by age 16 and my mother and sister by age 24. Most of my friends are wondering when and how they are supposed to meet someone when:

The only people that we see are the same people everyday - classmates & attendings
The prospects are grim - classmates.

Strangely, this is not just the females. I've heard some of the guys mention it as well (which usually makes me laugh). I just wonder how people so driven to get where they are can suddenly be so worried about finding a significant other. I just feel like we all have this fear that we'll end up alone. While I don't believe that is the case for any of us, I really think that in weak moments where we are exhausted, sleep-deprived, and/or hungry (Do not underestimate the power of hunger.), we give into the fear.

I know that we all need a partner to venture through life with us, but I think my little sis said it best recently (while we were talking about marriage). She said that she's been reading a book, Lady in Waiting, and it said that women typically think that marriage will make them complete, when it will not. I think that this is always the case - we constantly say to ourselves and others, "If I can just get ___, then I'll be okay." That could be married, have children, finish med school, ect. However, I think that we need to find confidence in God that he will lead us down the path that he has set out for us.

The "just for fun" league

2011-04-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

Games are not "just for fun" when medical students are involved. We happen to play a lot of catch phrase at the cozy cottage, which usually results in a least 2 or 3 people arguing about rules and cheating. There is also a lot of laughing. However, we are all so darn competitive. This also bleeds over into every game we play. We have a coed team for volleyball in the "just for fun" league. I told them not to include me if they were to competitive because I am honestly not very good at volleyball. They said that they really weren't.

Last night was intense. In volleyball intramurals, you play best out of 5, which means that it's usually over after 3 games. However, we lost the 1st 2 games last night. Midway through game 3 when we were ahead, one guy on our team was sitting out talking about what we needed to win. I immediately got nervous. That meant that they would expect me not to catch the ball AND hit it over the net. Then, we won games 3 &4. I made it through without catching the ball. However, I did hit the ball out on a few occasions. Even though I did really well for me, I still felt bad about losing and apologized constantly. In the 5th and final game, the entire room was silent before each serve and a thunder storm roared in the background. No joke. It was intense! We ended up losing by 2 points. It was so sad. How did something fun get so intense? I really think that there really isn't a "just for fun" league when med students are involved. I guess I'm no exception.

Family portrait, shmortrait

2011-03-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

I can't resist posting a few pics from our family vacation, especially since we have our first true family portrait since I don't know when... Maybe Ellen's wedding. So, 3 years ago. No one else is getting married any time soon, so we took matters into our own hands.

I like pics where we're all laughing. I think it's more real life.

However, if you ever meet anyone in my family, this will be a familiar sight.

This pose was the brainchild of Ellen and me. My mother was very dismayed. Mike resisted the temptation to join. I don't see why.

Well, I hope that you have enjoyed our silliness. On to study some neuro, since I avoided it like the plague during spring break. Boo.

Spring Break

2011-03-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

Well, we all survived another family road trip of 12 hours. Mama Jean even seemed to manage okay. Mom has finally recovered after almost 2 days after getting back. It was really good to see Ellen, Mike, and Maddison. Maddy was such a good dog! We walked and played, and she's a cuddler. It was nice to have everyone together again.

In other news, I have an infected toe. Beware of pedicurists that push back your cuticles! I little strange but true. I just saw a podiatrist in the ham, and he broke the news. Nothing too bad - I'll just have to apply some Neosporin and a bandaid. It's kind of nice when you think that you're crazy b/c you think your toe is swollen. However, my craziness was just proven not to be so crazy at all. Who knew? (I'm guessing this is a one time thing.)

I really do miss the ham, but I am afraid that I must leave to go back to Mobtown to study. Boo. Neuro is not a very forgiving course, and I refuse to screw it up this time. Hopefully, Chad will whip my butt into shape. Well, onward and forward - studying, lunch with some friends, and then packing to go back to Mobtown. I can't wait for June 5th!

5 people, 1 car

2011-03-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

Here we go. Family road trip 2011. Be afraid. Mama Jean (my grandmother) is joining us for the trip. I have given up facebook, and I think there's a good possibility that I might leave something important behind - like my phone charger or socks. This could get interesting. 12 hours in the van to Richmond. 3 days with Ellen (older sis) & Mike. Then, 12 hours back. Mom has a virus with superimposed strep throat. Wish me luck.

Since my last post:

2011-03-08T08:41:00.001-08:00

I am officially 25, which means that I am a quarter of a century (not half of a century as my mom suggested). No worries. She figured out that it was she who was half a century.
I do not really freak out about exams. (I haven't figured out if this is a positive or negative feature.)
I have stopped being a baking machine. Although, I still bake from time to time. (Luke informed me that I was going to give him diabetes.)
It has been a month since my last trip to T-town. Excellent occasion - Kim's goodbye to her roaring 20s. Hopefully, I will make another trip soon to see a baseball game.
My grandmother has finally agreed to go on a road trip with the fam. (We will see what disasters may occur.)
My lil' sis has taken one part of the CPA exam - only 4 more to go.
My older sis has a job and a house with her new hubby and puppy. (This is where our family road trip will take us for spring break.)
Baseball season has begun! (I kicked it off with a viewing of The Rookie - excellent movie.)
I rearranged my room. No one else can tell but me, but I still like it.
I miss making lists, so I though that I would revive this practice. :)

Me, Myself, and I

2010-10-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just lost a little bit of yourself? You're so busy and stressed that you lose a part of who you are. Laughing is harder. Having a normal conversation is more difficult. When you aren't busy, you just feel exhausted and vegetate. That was last year for me. School was hard. Trying to be there for others was even more difficult. Then, I ended up finding out that I had to repeat the year. Perfect. I was upset, to say the least. But, I have a different perspective of it today.

While it's been hard to make new friends and act normal while everyone knows that I am, in fact, repeating. Not fun. However, I can say that I feel the most like myself in a very long time. I don't worry that much anymore. I study when I need to. I meet up with friends (old and new). I have even read a book or two since school has started. (Very abnormal for a med student - ask any that you know.) I laugh more. Very cheesy but true. Maybe God knew what he was doing. Not the easiest path, nor the most pleasant. But, I do feel a little more like myself every day - not that crazy, worried med student that can't have a normal conversation. It feels good to be back. :)

blue like jazz

2010-07-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have greatly neglected reading this book, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's a bestseller. As silly as that sounds, I avoid books on the bestseller list. I just hate mainstream sometimes... They glorify books that I think are shallow or just stupid - case in point - The Twilight series. Like an idiot, I read them only to be disappointed. I should have known better. Just because it's a good read doesn't mean that it's a good book. Anyway, I have heard of this book (Blue Like Jazz) a lot and have tried very hard to avoid it. It wouldn't be good - it's a bestseller... Boy, was I wrong.

I usually avoid Christian books. Yet another strange thing. I guess mostly b/c a lot of mainstream Christian books seem almost like propaganda to me - far right interpretations that leave little room for something that isn't cookie cutter. Honestly, I don't feel very cookie cutter. In fact, it almost insults me when I am considered cookie cutter. My friends are not perfect. I am not perfect. Why would I want to read something that requires me to appear perfect. I just want to live in a world where I am not a failure before I even start reading book that makes me feel like I am.

Blue Like Jazz hit the nail on the head for me, really. It is honest and REAL. I have always had the Sunday school answers, but it always felt contrived. Some of my favorite speakers have been real - they liked Jesus b/c he got mad or talked back to the pharisees. He was a real person. So when I read something that is idyllic and doesn't allow Jesus to be real, I am automatically not interested. I just feel like I don't fit that picture - I have MANY issues with the organized church, yet I can't live without it. I feel like a freakin' walking contradiction when honestly we're all just doing our best. I am not trying to justify myself or the actions of others. I am just longing for something real. I guess I kind of gave up on the church and fitting a perfunctory role in life when I really didn't have to.

All this is to say, thank you Donald Miller for being willing to open yourself up and poor out your heart. That is very hard and makes you vulnerable to the world. Thank you for your honesty and your downfalls. I love all my friends - big, small, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. Thank you for the courage to write about your own friends that live outside of the box. I have greatly enjoyed your perspective and will take a part of it with me for the rest of my life. For those that haven't read it, give it a chance. It is quirky, funny, and full of great stories.

Unexpected

2010-04-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my couch when the doorbell rang. I saw the man pull up and walk to the door, but I thought he would just leave something... Nope. He rang the doorbell. He looked sort of familiar, but I couldn't place him. I answered the door, and lo and behold, it was the head pastor at the church that I visited on Sunday. I always put down my address when I visit a new church. As strange as this sounds, I am curious about what churches do with visitors. After years of talking and watching my dad deal with visitors, I wanted to see it in action. Well, Ashland UMC just upped the ante. I can honestly say that I don't really know of a church that their head pastor visits the new visitors! Some churches have members stop by. This is a first.

I have also concluded that it's a very small world. This pastor is on the board at BSC and knows some of the same people that I do... Strange how the world is all connected. Lovely and unexpected. I think I'm going back on Sunday. :) Can't wait to see what happens....

Change - a big word

2010-04-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Change. Not a word that anyone likes to hear on a regular basis. What does it mean when a person is different? Is it that we get to know them better and our opinions change? Or is it that we change gradually everyday so that we become someone with a different outlook? Can people change? These are all questions that effect who we become.

When people have relationship issues, a common comment is, "You are not the person I knew when we met." Does that mean that the person was not supposed to change over time? Honestly, people are always changing. This does not mean that a person changes completely from one day to the next. However, I do believe that we make decisions each day that slightly change our personalities leading us down different paths in life. The simple decision to ignore the truth could end in denial and a bitter outlook, whereas another trivial decision could lead a person down a completely different path. I don't think that people are always aware of these trivial decisions. I know that I do not have a plan when I decide where to go to lunch. But, that location may completely change who I encounter and to whom I become close. A trivial decision to have lunch with someone that you don't know, could expand your mind to places that you never though it would go.

So, when someone comments that "I've changed," I take it as a compliment. Is the point of life not to grow and experience all things in life? This would include the good, the bad, and the plain ugly. This does not mean, however, that I am not Anna. Each person will most likely always retain certain characteristics of who they are. So, maybe this is not a morphing process but more like polishing. God will take us and form us into what he wants us to be. So, change is a scary and uncertain thing but not permanent nor final. In some ways, that is very reassuring. I hope that I never stop changing or learning new things.

Self-improvement

2010-03-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

On my quest to a more balanced life, I have decided that I have a missing component. While all women would like to lose weight, I want to merely eat better. In order to achieve this, I am counting calories. In order to maintain a healthy lifestyle and maintain something close to order, I am going to start writing down what I eat. Maybe I will cut down on portions. Who needs 5 chocolates in the afternoon? I know that's not good for me. So, this is my quest.

As an update, I do swim on occasion. It's not as regular as I would like, but I have noticed a change in my mood. I am generally more pleased and feel much better after swimming. It's nice to have something outside of school that does not disappoint. Also, it has ever so slightly helped my back issues.... Not completely, but it has taken away some of the numbness in my toes.

Hopefully, I will gain more patience, understanding, and fortitude through these endeavors. Who knows? Maybe my grades might even improve (but don't hold your breath for that one).

The only interesting thing about genetics

2010-03-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am studying for my genetics test that is on Friday. This transcript had me laughing out loud. Here is a window into my life as a student:

"They have macular degeneration. That’s what makes them blind. Their blindness is worse during the daytime because they macular degeneration means they don’t see color very well. In darkness they see very well. In fact, one of those family members was a drug dealer. He was killed during the daytime, but during the night he was very good (chuckles…)."

"Those kids don’t eat at birth, so because of this, when they start eating at 2 or 3 months, the mothers are so happy that they feed them like crazy to make them grow, and suddenly when they reach 1 year of age, they look like BIG HUGE PUMPKINS!!! The mother is excited the kid is eating – this is not good. I told the mother she didn’t want a pumpkin, she wanted a normal child. "

Yes, these are ACTUAL quotes from class....

Lent

2010-02-21T08:22:00.001-08:00

Lent is a time for self examination. I think that all fellow med students would agree that this semester is rough. This excruciating, unrelenting schedule will be over in a few months, but we must make it that far! After many discussions with my roomies and parents, I had a revelation. It's really hard to continue on with this when I know that my life is at a halt. I looked at other's fb profiles and become disheartened b/c life was continuing forward without me. I also have a problem with constantly comparing myself to others. Most would agree that this is what has gotten me where am I today or that it only gives me a competitive nature... However, when taken too far, it can lead only to self loathing. Like, why can't I be as smart as ___. Or, life would be so much easier if ___. These only lead to utter frustration. So, for lent this year, I have given up fb in order to reflect on my strengths and restore my daily walk with God. As I progress through med school, I believe that he has put me here in this situation to strengthen me for what He has planned for me. Right now, I need to trust in Him and make it through this year!! :) Hopefully, this will put my life in perspective.

Cause & Effect

2010-02-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like a freakin' crazy person.

This week: After reading two emails and not paying attention, I missed out on a meeting and forgot to dress up for a picture. Not a big deal... Then, I got a message to meet someone in the lobby today. Like an idiot, I somehow thought he said the student lounge. I then received a text asking me if I were coming to the lobby.... I lost my phone at the house and couldn't find it anywhere. After Britni called it 3 times, I found it in the pantry on a shelf. I just lost my charger after absent mindedly putting it down.

Conclusion: I am slowly loosing my mind. I have turned into a person that doesn't really read emails, forgets appointments, and loses objects all around the house.

Resolution: I am going to try to make my life more balanced. Maybe then, I'll concentrate better and regain some sanity. This includes swimming 3 times a week.... Hopefully, I won't completely lose my mind. Then, we'll all be in trouble.

Forward?

2010-01-11T21:01:00.001-08:00

So, I had the recent realization that I might be forward... Strange, right? :) I think that calling a guy first is fine (as long as he has initiated some other form of contact). What's the big deal? You know that someone wants to talk to you, but they don't know your schedule. Since my schedule frequently changes, why not just call the guy first and give him a break? That way, he's not worried about interrupting studying or calling at a bad time. If a person calls at a bad time, thenyou have to leave awkward messages and play phone tag. Why not just cut all of this out and just call the guy? It cuts all this out and makes life a little more simple.

Then again, I did pretty much ask out my boyfriend in high school... I thought it was stupid to spend all our time together and know that we liked each other. So, I just asked him if he liked me straight out (I did tell him that I liked him 1st). He was pretty shocked, but we started dating right after that. I guess I'm just forward by default? Or maybe I'm just blunt... Is that so shocking?

On the Diving Board Once Again

2010-01-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

School is back in session. Yuck. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's tough. The classes are more difficult and tests more frequent. My goal is to not loose it this semester and hopefully pass step 1 at the end of the year. This will not be easy. I request patience and support. I apologize for my grim outlook, but there is only so much a person can take. Hopefully, all will be well at the end of the semester and all this worrying will be unnecessary. Until then, I guess I'm just going to dive in and let God do the rest...

Porch lights & other glorious things

2009-12-27T22:24:00.001-08:00

Freedom. This is amazing. Free time without guilt. I just got back from a $1 movie. The porch light was left on for me. I miss this. Relaxing, hanging out with friends, and being somewhat normal.

Roller Coaster

2009-12-18T18:33:00.000-08:00

This week has been quite a roller coaster. While every student in my class looked forward to a glorious break from the grueling grind of med school, we all had a final looming over our head. We all seemed to remain somewhat stable and tried to carry on. Then, the unthinkable occurred - the micro department miscalculated our grades, which made my grade take a turn for the worst - failing... Thankfully, it was a miscalculation, but it took them a good 24 hours to figure it out and three days to fix it. I must say that this thwarted whatever Christmas spirit I had for a day or so... Then, we had our final Thursday morning. Difficult. Long. Whatever. Then, I frantically packed what I could yesterday, so the MOST amazing people in the world could help me move. (They truly are amazing - thanks for the help!!!) However, the moving process was interrupted by a trip to a neurosurgeon in town, which I had been waiting to see.

To my peeps:

2009-12-10T06:02:00.000-08:00

As I sit here avoiding the inevitable (studying), I can't help but think about all the wonderful, supportive people that I have in my life. My friends and family are amazing, whether they have known me for a mere year and a half or my whole life. There's been quite a bit of drama around me lately. I have not been a part of it, but many of my friends have had a hard time. After examining my life, I realize that I have amazing people in my life. My family and friends are some of the most understanding people of my life. Even my brother's-in-law mother sent me a card when I first started med school and was having a hard time. Almost every single person is understanding when I cut a conversation short, grumble about studying all the time, and become irritated easily. They just support me and listen to my insanity. For those of you reading this, thank you for being wonderful. I know that I am constantly whiny and may not appreciate your honesty. But today, I say thank you, which does not seem like enough... Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Well, this is officially my first Thanksgiving away from home. I must say that I was a little sad not getting to hang out with the fam, especially since they went to Dallas to see my aunt & cousins! It seems that this year will just have to be the year that plans fall through. I did not go to t-town or NOLA as planned this month. I have missed out on a lot, but hopefully I will regain some control next year... Maybe?

Thanksgiving was great b/c I hung out with Elizabeth & her family. Priyal & Britni tagged along as well, and we all invaded the Donahue Thanksgiving bash. There were a ton of kids there! There was this little girl, Sarah (around 3 years old). She was so funny. You could tell that she was going to have a serious tude when she grows up! I don't really blame her, considering that she has 5 older brothers. She called all of us "her girls" and "her friends" all night. It was really funny. I just about cried I was laughing so hard, especially when she told Elizabeth that she didn't match. She would also tell us that we were a Disney princess or fairy.... One of her older brothers (4 year old) was chasing us around all night, slashing us up with his imaginary claws (he was a fox). She got upset and told him, "You are evil. Stop chasing my girls and eating my girls!" While the stress of our upcoming test did not completely leave my mind, I am very glad that a family was so willing to accept 3 medical students into their family for Thanksgiving dinner. Now, back to fungi & parasites!

Rediscover

2009-11-12T19:16:00.001-08:00

Sadly, no Tuscaloosa for me. Instead, my mom & grandmother came down for the weekend. Long story. We watched the LSU game, and I almost had an anxiety attack. My litte sister laughed at me when I told her that I called Dad like 8 times during the game. My friend Michael said that he was going to have heart problems due to UA football. Needless to say, we all made it through.

Yet another test awaits as I sit here typing away. (Yes, I am avoiding the pathology powerpoint about the ovary...) I was thinking about how people have different aspects to their personalities. The more you talk to them, the more you see. It's kind of like standing in front of a painting. The longer you stand there, the more you realized that you would have missed if you just went waltzing by. Sometimes, though, we forget about all the different things that make us who we are. Sometimes I feel like I am just working one portion of my personality - the science interested part. In fact, I think it's overworked. I remembered this week that there's more to me than that. Strange how one conversation makes you realize something about who you are. It's kind of like discovering a CD that you knew you had but forgot about. I like the tune. I can't wait for break when I really get to think and talk about something else - like silly things... :)

Good News

2009-11-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

I have survived, and I don't have a blood or lymphoid neoplasm (that I know of...). I have a week or so to recover. The plan: go to T-town for the LSU vs. UA game. I am soooo stoked! I get to hang out with my friends that are there (minus Bonbon, sad times). Sarah has also informed me that she is gracing me with her presence. So, if you are in T-town and want to meet my crazy little sister, please contact me!! Haha.... Plus, a bunch of people from my class are going to be there. Can't wait! T-town, here I come...

I am convinced...

2009-10-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

that I will die from either a blood, lymphoid, or myeloid disorder because I can't learn any of it for this freaking path test. Yes, it is the day before the test. Yes, I am whining. Why? Because I am reaching the point of no return. You know, when you reach a point where nothing else will fit into your brain.... There's just one problem - I haven't learned the material. Like, I recognize names. That's about it. (So, I'm being a little dramatic...) My brain hurts. My back hurts, and I am tired of staring at notes. I am leaving my apt. Hopefully, I will regain some sanity. Maybe isolated study is not for me.... I might just loose my mind before our next test. (that would be next Monday...) If you happen to loose contact with me, I am most like dead from a heme/oncology attack or have entered the loony bin....

Yum.... Pumpkin

2009-10-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

There is something about fall that makes me sooo happy. (Maybe it's that I won't sweat the moment I walk out the door in the morning.) Although Mobile has not cooled down yet, it is promising when you walk about the door and say to yourself, "Hey! It's kind of chilly!"

The smells of fall and winter are so inviting - apple cider, good coffee, baked goods! Man, I always want to cook things that are absolutely horrible for me! I saw the most wonderful recipe for pumpkin cupcakes that I might have to make for the girls' intramural flag football game. Sometimes I think that there's something wrong with me. Who wants to cook?! Um, me. :) Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cupcakes, apple pie.... I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Wait. I have to study... Maybe it will all work out somehow. Now, I have to figure out when I have time to go grocery shopping!

Moving on....

2009-09-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Someone told me when I started med school that it would be hard to watch life continue on normally for everyone else while you're stuck in the library. Originally, I thought, "Duh. I mean, what else to you expect to happen?" However, I don't really think that it hit me until this year. When you are miles away from people that you almost (or literally) lived with, you realize how important they are and what they provided. What's even harder is the fact that they go on to experience different things and don't tell you about it. You realize that you no longer are privy to their day to day experience. Along with that, things may change rather quickly.

Even calling for a momentary reality check can be somewhat disturbing. You realize that someone moved or started someone new, and you had no idea. While sometimes these things seem small, it really makes you think about how stuck you are. Working towards something is somewhat rewarding, but it is mainly frustrating - everything is put on hold in pursuit of one thing. This means that the normal things in life fade into the background. You forget what it's like to hold a conversation that doesn't include discussions about diseases, weird skin rashes, or diarrhea, which is frustrating for people outside of class. You forget birthdays, days of the week, and months of the year. More frustratingly, you can't attend weddings of close friends, hang out at a tailgate, or celebrate holidays with family.

Essentially, life moves on without you. You simply can't do everything or be there for everyone. Then, you call up those people to vent about your life, which is unfair to them - the friendship becomes somewhat one-sided. I guess all friendships are one-sided at some point, but this doesn't help the feeling of helplessness that encompasses you when you remember that your reality is not even reality at all. While school may be life, that's not all there is to life. There's so much more, even if you are stuck for the moment in the warped reality that is med school....

Mismatch Day...

2009-08-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

So, I left the house in a hurry and ran to class. I was running a little more late than usual - I left at 7:35 instead of 7:20. I know. I'm a lame early-riser. When I study, I curl up in my seat. I fold up my legs or put them in another seat. After studying for a while, I was changing positions when I looked down and realized that I was wearing two different shoes! I was wearing a brown flip flop and a black flip flop. I take all of my shoes off in the same place and didn't realize that I had put on two different shoes on the way out the door. To make matters worse, I was wearing a blue jean skirt that came a few inches above my knees. My feet were exposed where everyone could see.

Strangely enough, no one noticed (unless I told them). In fact, I made it all the way through bible study that night at 8 until Shannon told the people standing around me. That's right. Unlike locking my keys in my car, I did something hair-brained without anyone knowing! Ha ha ha! Oh the small things in life.

Secondary career?

2009-08-16T12:11:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I really wonder how I got here - medical school. There are many things that I do better than science. I could have been a counselor, chef, professor of literature, or gold digger. (That was for Liz.) :) Quite frankly, I believe that the reason I'm here is because this is what I am meant to do. This makes me wonder if everyone feels that way.

Today, it is very common for people to have not one or two careers but three or four. Some move from job to job. For example, I know someone that was a very successful lawyer. After a while, he decided to stop working for a prominent law firm and become an entrepreneur. He first owned a couple of Express Oil places. Then, after selling those off, he now owns an ice cream shop and who knows what else. However, these jobs do not define him.

My parents' jobs define them to an extent. My father is a minister, and my mother is a high school counselor. I really don't think that my dad will EVER stop working. He will always serve a church in some capacity. My mother has changed jobs a few times, all within the same field. She was a high school biology teacher, stay at home mother, special education teacher (middle school), middle school & high school counselor. While all of these jobs have different titles, they do the same thing. All of these jobs require a lot of time. Essentially, they are workaholics.

A job can define who you are to a certain extent. It can take over your entire life. What I can't decide is if this is a good or bad thing. Also, what happens to the other interests that you have. While my mother loves science, she does not really do anything with it anymore. In fact, she doesn't really have time for any hobbies. So, what happens to our secondary interests in life. Are they persued? Are they left behind? Or, do they turn into a secondary career? Now, I wonder what that means for me. Will my career change because of what I feel that I am meant to do? I can't say. I least I can say that I will finish medical school and be a doctor at least until I have paid off my loans. Other than that, who knows what will happen next.... Maybe I'll win the lottery and really have my life turned upside down. :)

Sunshine & misc

2009-07-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

There was a gap there... I was traveling and working at camp this summer. Both left me frequently without internet or phone service... I've kind of enjoyed being disconnected. :)

I forgot how much I loved the outdoors. As sad as this is, I literally missed the sun shining on my face for more than the two minutes that it takes me to walk to my car. There really is something to be said about being outside tromping around in the woods. One of my co-counselors at camp was deathly afraid of getting a tick or leeches (from the lake during canoeing). These things do not scare me. Neither do snakes, really. Maybe I should get my head examined... Taking a summer break to frolic in the sun was just what I needed. While I do not look forward to retreating back indoors for this fall, I am glad that I have somewhat gotten some freedom.

Other than that, I have decided that I love visiting family. You never know what you'll learn... Oh, the many things that you find out from relatives. :) Anyhow, I should probably go to bed, so I can get up and start cleaning and packing to head back to school. :l

plan of mice n' men

2009-06-29T15:07:00.001-07:00

Summer is slipping through my hands. I can't believe that it's almost July!

It's strange to me how life doesn't work out as planned. As dumb as that sounds, I still have the audacity to make plans. (I am a fool. I know.) Plans make everything seem organized when life isn't that way. I would like to believe that one day I will not make any plans for the day. I think I might do an experiment one day and plan nothing. While it will probably be very difficult, it would be interesting to see if it's any different than a normal summer day. Let the experiment begin!

Oh, the insanity

2009-06-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

There are some people that allow you the freedom to be yourself without any barriers. I find that they are few in number but very valuable. When all else fails, these people allow you to be goofy, inconsolable, in a funk, or just difficult. This is amazing to me. In a world where I find myself tamed into the cage that is socially acceptable and comfortable for others, these few friends make it possible to break free - to unleash the madness within. Let's be honest, we all have madness within. Usually, this is locked away inside where very few see the absolute insanity that comes with conversations at the wee hours of the morning or after your brain has turned to mush.

This summer has been an endeavor outside the normal, tamed box. I am currently running straight on into the madness at camp, embracing the insanity and loveliness of chaos as it crosses my path. While unsettling, chaos and craziness provide a calm and rejuvenating freedom of insanity that I lost somewhere in the black hole of medical school. So, sign me up for the looney bin. I am ready. :) WOOOOOHOOO for summer!

Companions

2009-05-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

After visiting with my aunt in Dallas, I've really been thinking about companions... My aunt has reached the point in her life where her friends are now dying. She is 12 years older than my father and pretty much our grandmother on his side. (Our grandparents died when we were young.) She is watching those close to her suffer from cancer or suddenly leave here with heart attacks. I can't imagine how difficult that is. However, this is a reality that many of the aging population face.

Back in the day, older women would take on companions in their old age. The young women were left in their care. They would travel and take their companions with them. The young women would gain knowledge from these older women and maybe an inheritance when the older woman had passed. In our society, this is lost. While there are some cases where this still exists - i.e. children living with and caring for their parents, I think that the overall idea has somewhat changed. The exchange of knowledge between the young and old has diminished in our culture.

While the old may fart unexpectedly or carry on from time to time, I do believe that they hold life experiences and perspectives that could broaden people's perspective. So, I petition that we bring back companions. Why not have someone to keep you company? I like company. :)

Warning - this is very sentimental - don't judge

2009-04-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

My friends are wonderful. I am unreasonable when it comes to what I believe is inevitable. They are able to:

convince me that I am being unreasonable (no small feat - mind you)
reason with me (a.k.a. give me a sunny outlook)
make me laugh when I need to
get me to realize that I'm not alone (yet another feat)
bring me out of a slump

All of these things are very useful. And this is my shout out to those who have made my days brighter:

Bonnie - really? Is there anything that you don't do for me?
Kacie - talking me away from the edge
Sarah - you are wise in ways that most people underestimate. I do not underestimate you. Much love lil' sis!
Allison - you are always positive (how do you do it?)
Elizabeth - you make me laugh! :)
Shannon - you deal with my ranting and crazy conversations while studying (No one should see that crazy person. You deal with it quite well.)
Michael - you didn't hang up when I was crying (I'm still amazed.)
Peter - "just keep swimming" - you are amazingly reassuring; even more - I believe you!

There are many others that keep me going, but I don't want to bore you. Thank you to all who put up with my craziness. God bless!

Words...

2009-04-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

From one friend to another to me:

"One day, we'll look back at med school as just a big misunderstanding."

Here, here!

Intelligence

2009-04-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

What is intelligent? Smart? Brilliant? Genius? All these words have slightly different meanings. Most people have brilliant ideas, whereas others are brilliant. The brilliant idea is good enough to sustain a family for a lifetime. For example, inventors have changed the way of life. Who would have thought to put glue on the back of paper so that is stuck to things? Not me. The inventor - brilliant. Brilliant people stand out in a crowd, beg to be noticed, merely because they are wonderful and intelligent. Brilliance suggests a bright shining light, like a brilliant actress. We have many "brilliant" actresses and award them Oscars.

Smart people exhibit undeniable book smarts. This term is reserved for the highly academic who are highly specialized in their respective fields. Some that jump to my mind - E.O. Wilson - amazing biologist and philosopher. He is smart - he looks at the world around him and makes observations that no one else would see.

Genius - now that's a word that is usually associated with IQ. Einstein is a genius that almost every person knows. If not from a textbook that mentions his theories, then from his all too famous picture with his hair haphazardly hung around his face.

But intelligence hold a completely different meaning that is not relegated to "brilliant," "genius," or "smart." These people hold more than book intelligence and emotional intelligence. This intelligence could pertain to any subject or field. I would like to believe that each person is intelligent in one area of expertise. Our culture certainly promotes this theory - each person should pick one thing in which to excel. I think that of all labels given to a person for their achievements, intelligence would be the most accurate. For only some are smart, genius, or brilliant. I believe that each is intelligent in his or her way.

Insanity finds a way

2009-03-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Good conversations usually happen when I'm completely exhausted. Ok. Maybe just conversations where I laugh like a kid playing outside. The fact that most of these hilarious conversations happen in the library.

Last year, I was usually camped out in a friend's room acting like a lunatic. Now, I'm in the middle of the library talking and laughing about something silly while everyone else on the floor is trying to study. Now, my craziness may leak out and infect all those on the floor. Then, no will be able to study!!

Maybe I shouldn't write when I've been studying all day, and it's late at night.

Putting away the computer now....

Wind and Other Matters

2009-03-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I had all my windows rolled down on my way home from school. It was lovely. The wind is really strong due to all the storms blowing in for the week. :) As I was rounding the corner where the frat houses are, a huge gust blew a ton of little leaves through my window. I had leaves flying in my window, past my face, and out the other side. It was excellent.

P.S.
I also went for a walk and returned an hour and a half later. I really, really have not concept of time. I should probably work on that. Truly, the wind was amazing today. I like a good gust that might take you off your feet.

Guess what?!

2009-03-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

I am officially excited! I got an email from one of the producers of "From the Top," a radio show on NPR. Sadly, it is not for my flute playing skills. However, it is for something much more interesting.

Gib, Katie, Elizabeth, and I went to a taping of "From the Top" a couple of months ago. It was wonderful. The kids that they had on the show put me to shame. A 10 year old that played piano almost made me cry it was so beautiful. They are doing a series where different people write in to dedicate songs to significant people or teachers in their lives. At the end of the show, we all had the opportunity to fill out a card and propose a dedication. The producer emailed me this morning and wants to talk about what I wrote. He would like to discuss doing a recording for a show!!

Really, I love NPR. How awesome is that?! Elizabeth and Gib made fun of me for taking too long to fill out the card... Who knew that they would like my dedication?

If you're wondering - I dedicated the song to my parents. After growing up with the two of them singing and playing piano all the time, I appreciate the love that they gave me for music. Little did they know that it would include my perfectionism in the form of anger - I dedicated the song to my parents for putting up with me, even when I threw my flute across the room...

I wonder why he thought that was interesting... Oh well, at least I didn't break my flute. :)

Things that I can't wait to do on spring break

2009-03-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

SLEEP
go to DC!!!!
do laundry (It's amazing how much of that stuff I accumulate!)
escape
finish Atonement
listen to some amazing music
see some awesome paintings
see my sisters
be a somewhat normal human being that isn't freaking out about school all the time
spend some quality time with friends

IHOP + Keys + Me + My car = INSANITY

2009-02-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

Since three people are going to blog about this, I would like to throw my hat in the ring. I locked my car keys in my car while it was running. How did I do this? While standing around with the four people who rode with me to this fateful evening at IHOP waiting on the AAA lock smith to get there, I have come up with some good excuses...

I have locked my keys in the car before.
I don't have keyless locks, so I just hit the automatic lock on my way out. This allow me to easily lock my keys in the car.
I was distracted by the other four people in my car. (See previous post "My Downfall - People")
There were FOUR other people in my car that didn't notice that I left if running. (Thank you for pointing that out, Jeni.)
Medical school really has actually fried my brain. It is now mush.

My family thinks I'm nuts. I called and told my dad. He was silent for an entire minute before he asked if I were ok... My mom didn't even call me. She called my little sister first, who doesn't seem very shocked. (She merely said that she had heard and told me about her test anxiety.)

After all of this, I can say that I enjoyed my free stack of pancakes at IHOP. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time - I was crying from the laughter. (My stomach now hurts from that combination...) Also, I have very nice friends that put up with my insanity. In closing, here's a shout out to those that witnessed the event -
Elizabeth - who made me laugh
Allison - who went to tell Stephen and tried to call and tell Kacie
Shannon - who helped me figure out the color of my car
Lee - who is still probably looking for a wire coat hanger
Stephen - who broke an umbrella to break (unsuccessfully) into my car
Jeni - see #4
Kate - too cute in her matching jacket and pants and ring of blueberry syrup around her mouth

Memory Erasers - Fact or Fiction?

2009-02-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

When women give birth naturally, they release a hormone that makes them forget about the pain afterwards. Hence, when I asked my mother about the pain of childbirth, she responds, "oh, that was nothing." I laughed. Three children born naturally. No pain killers. Please. The same woman, who had sinus surgery and was talking about how horrible it was, thought childbirth was no big deal. So, she must have just forgotten.

This just happened to remind me of studying. While at the time a lecture by a certain professor seems absolutely heinous, I think that it's not bad afterwards. I read through all the material for a test and think, "This isn't bad. I can do this." Then, after going through it for the second time I start freaking out. What was I thinking? How is this all going to fit in my brain? Why is my head swimming?! This is ridiculous. There must be a hormone that makes me forget.

Puzzled

2009-02-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

When did going to medical school become so popular? Really. I understand that a lot of people go into college claiming pre-med and then drop it. I'm just not seeing it as much... It seems like half of my friends are either going or have suddenly decided that medical school is right for them.

When I was applying, so many of my friends in medical school and doctor friends said not to do it. I never quite grasped that until this year. Apparently, it gets worse. Joy.

I'm still puzzled about the allure of MD at the end of your name. Physicians do make a considerable amount of money, but most of the people I know didn't just decide that they wanted to go to medical school. Most thought about it for a long time, which makes me even more puzzled. Any thoughts?

Panic

2009-02-11T07:43:00.000-08:00

Panic is an interesting feeling. It comes as quickly as it goes. The problem is that each person has a different point where they panic. Sometimes, panic will attack you. Other times it is a deep, slow moving dread that develops into panic. Is panic just an extreme form of fear or is it something more deep-rooted. Does it reflect the fear of someone seeing the major flaw within? If it is an extreme form of fear, it would have to be a deep fear.

I panic when I think that I might have locked my keys in the car, when I have left something important, when I think that someone might be following me. These, however, are the passing moments of panic, not the scary panic that takes away your breath. No, panic attacks mean something much more... Panic. Fear.

Practice with fear and panic dulls the shock but doesn't make them disappear. Can a person reach a point where panic or fear never touches them? I think not. Some just hide it better than others.

Types

2009-02-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

People always talk about "types." Bonnie's type is men with beards. Ellen dates athletes, ect. Well, I have figured out my type... Intelligent men. The sad part is that I figured this out in class. You're thinking, that's not strange... However, I happen to find dorky professors absolutely adorable. Yes. I am crazy.

Kristen may call me elitist, but there's something absolutely jaw dropping about an intelligent person who can speak with confidence and make the most difficult things seem easy. (Bonnie, this may explain Steffen...) I think that we can all agree that a man with a mind is a horrible thing to waste. Right?

My Down Fall - People

2009-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

I truly have determined by greatest attribute and flaw. I know, you're excited. The one question you're always asked at an interview and hate to answer - I've got it! I love people. Yes, this means that I have lost my mind. It doesn't matter if I'm tired, sick, or physically and emotionally drained. I will perk up when I meet someone new or talk to one of my good friends. Why is this? I have a disease. I got it from my mother - chatty cathy.

My mother is named Cathy, and she talks a lot. Enough said - I have chatty cathy syndrome. I wonder if I can get this put into medical journals.

"There are different phases in the infection:
Stage 1: patient must talk all the time, annoying all those around
Stage 2: patient must not only talk but connect with the other person while chatting
Stage 3: patient realizes problem but cannot stop
Stage 4: patient does not accomplish tasks due to interest in other people
Treatment: balancing exercises, yoga is highly recommended
While not deadly, chatty cathy proposes an interesting question: Can one involve him or herself too deeply with others?"

Now that I have admitted to the disease, what is the answer? How do you balance this need to be around others? Am I hiding from myself, or do I truly love people? I think that over the years I have moved from a talker to a talker and a listener. While I may do both, I am infinitely distracted by people. The library becomes a dangerous place when I know people - will I get any studying done? Some, but I find the best past time - delving into other people. It is a puzzle that never gets boring. Everyone has a background that makes them who they are. The more that you hear their story, the more you understand them. Once you understand a person, you can gauge reactions and eventually help them more than they ever thought. The challenge: not to get frustrated. Ultimately, each person has a unique set of ideals that may not agree with yours. Whether one is outrageously confrontational or passive, it all makes up a character. Unfortunately, I am so intrigued that I forget about everything else, including myself. I am dealing with my disease - balance. The cure is not easily found. Maybe this is because life is always changing, and the balancing acts starts to look like something out of the circus.

Holidays... of Old

2008-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

I have decided that Christmas is probably close to the most stressful time of the year. Living on the main highway to and from a major mall is close to torture. Forget leaving your house during any hours between 10am and 10 pm. Ridiculous! Not to mention, the never-ending gift giving. I imagine that all the Christmas scenes from the 1800's didn't quite look like this. You made gifts, went to parties, and enjoyed the mirth of others. Much lost is the gathering around a piano as all the members of the family sing harmonizing your favorite Christmas carols. My family has done that from time to time, but it's not a staple. Families would sit around a fire and read or talk. My favorite part of holidays are family gatherings because we sit around and laugh! How I love my family - I can always find them by listening to their laugh. (At least, that's how we find them after church is over.) Now that my older sister is married, our family is larger. I love having everyone here. I know that Christmas has changed over the years... Maybe my view is insane because it's from reading too many Romantic literature. :) Oh well, I guess that I can leave my stress behind and delve into a good classic... There are a few Austen novels that I haven't read. On to my reading list!

The Joys of the Holidays

2008-12-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas. I love this time of year. :) Unfortunately, there are many things that I don't like about this season:
1. COMERCIALISM
2. the gift buying frienzy
3. buying bulk gifts (i.e. everyone at work gets lotion from bath & body works)
4. the crowds (I feel lost and pressured. It may not be there when I get back.)
5. the traffic (I live waaay too close to the mall. The traffic affects my daily commute!)

However, there are plenty of things that I love:
1. MUSIC!!
2. people coming home
3. meeting up with old friends and family
4. fires in the fireplace
5. catching up on my reading list
6. renting/going to movies with the family
7. cooking
8. good christmas coffee (thank you O'Henry's!)
9. good food (my sweet tooth will be the end of me one day)
10. the late Christmas Eve service (you get out and it's already christmas day!)

Reasons

2008-12-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs an outlet, right? That's what I figured, at least...
1. I can feel sanity looming as I type.
2. No one friend should be put through all my insanity.
3. My mother always told me to share.
4. Medical school is stressful.
5. I've always enjoyed writing, which means that I'm not very good at it...
6. My friends are scattered across the planet (or at least it feels that way).
7. They also have their own problems to deal with.
8. I'm not that whiney.... Ok, so maybe that's a lie.
9. Maybe it will help me when I have to write another personal statement? (I can only hope...)
10. Why not?