Tough day, better tomorrow?

There are some things that you can just never un-see. There are also things that are never explained well until you do them. When both of those instances combine, you get mass hysteria. I have noticed thus far on wards that your mood is contagious. If you're in a bad mood, then most of your team will be. If you are really stressed, then most of your team will be. If you are FREAKING OUT, then most of your team will be. I've noticed that it's multiplied by 20 when it's the leader of the team. You always think about those that are meant to be leaders and those that aren't. There's a reason that you are told to "set a good example," especially a sense of calm.

My new challenge is to be the rock. Luckily, I have had 2 great boys at my side that make this a little easier. They are less malleable when it comes to a high stress level. They may freak out on the inside, but they keep it together. I would like to think that I hold it together, but my face is all telling. There is just not a good way to keep the shock at bay. When the people in charge freak out, it trickles down and multiplies. Today, that was very apparent. I just wonder sometimes how people do this every day. I will adjust and learn. Today was tough. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Maybe I just need a full weekend off. Thankfully, that is this weekend.

The Simple Things

I've noticed that it's the little things that matter. Little things can turn into big things - good or bad. For example, my laundry piles up all week, and my room becomes cluttered (shocking!). At the end of the weekend when I feel guilty, I begin to clean up sections of the room or do a load of laundry. On Monday when I'm getting ready, it feels great! It's like a whole new world that is in order. (If only all of life was this simple!) Then, there are little things that bug you to death and end up driving you crazy.

When I'm stressed or feeling like a failure at, well, life, the simple act of putting something else in order makes life more manageable. You would think that I would have figured this out by now, but I guess I forgot. Just sharing this little pearl. So, just doing something simple for someone else is a small little miracle. I miss my dad b/c he does that for us - getting a tank of gas or running and errand for us. He is busy too, but he is always willing to do something small for us. Man, I wish I were in the Ham! :)

Forgive and Forget

Recently, my pastor from my church at home gave a wonderful sermon on forgiveness. I just thought I would share his points.

1. Saying yes to forgiveness can you you the freedom to say, "I love you." Love can cover a multitude of sins. Love is not about changing people into what you want them to be. It's easy for us to get trapped in criticism. (Amen!)
2. Saying yes to forgiveness can give you the freedom to say, "I am sorry." We want to be forgiven, but we have problems passing that along. God freely forgives us, but we are very slow to forgive each other.
3. Saying yes to forgiveness can give you the freedom to say, "You are forgiven." Forgiveness is like a light - it dispels the darkness.

In closing, he said that when you say yes to forgiveness, you set the prisoner free. And, that prisoner is you. When you can't forgive, you give people power over you.

These simple things really made an impact with me. It's really easy to forgive but never forget. Every time you get into a fight, you bring up every wrong doing that a certain person has done against you. We're all guilty of that one. True forgiveness is letting go, and let me tell you - that is the hard part. It's so easy to carry all that anger and hurt around with us. How do you let go? Well, I don't necessarily have the answer to that, but in the end, I always end up thinking about how it's not that big of a deal.... Sin is sin. We all hurt. We all damage other people. It's a natural human flaw. If we learn nothing from it or don't let go of it all, it weighs us down. Plus, I feel like most of the time people really are sorry - we just don't want to hear it b/c we would rather hang on to all the hurt. Not really easy, but I guess that really isn't the point.

Good things, bad things

It's that time of year in my life as a second year med student - studying for step 1 (DUM, DUM, DUM!). I am officially half way through and scared to death that I'm going to fail or bomb it. I have been feeling rather whiney lately (surprise, surprise). Then, today at church I had a reality check.

Our head pastor and his wife were in a horrible wreck the Saturday before Palm Sunday. They were both badly injured. Today was his first day back preaching. He was standing in the pulpit wearing a neck brace. His wife has yet to come back to church (her recovery has been slow due to the severity of her injuries). He stood up there and described what happened. He was napping as they were driving back from seeing family just a few hours north of Mobile. His wife was driving down I-65. The next thing he knows, he's awakened by his wife saying, "Oh God, I have just run off the road." From other accounts, they have figured out that they flipped 5 times before coming to a halt upside down about 5 miles outside of Greenville. He only remembers bits of what happened b/c he lost consciousness. But at one point, they woke him up in the ambulance and told him to say goodbye to his wife and tell her that he loved her b/c she was being air lifted to Mobile.

He went on to say that it's been really hard and to thank those that have been so kind and talked to him the couple of Sundays that he came to church (without his wife) to just participate in the services. He said that it's really hard to go through something like this and then come home. (He and his wife have been staying with their daughter, son-in-law, and new grandbaby.) I can't imagine what it's been like for their family. All I have to say is that it's a miracle that they're both alive (considering the crash and injuries). You know, for someone to just be celebrating a new baby in the family and then be struck by tragedy is just awful. However, he (and his family) have been able to get through it - with the help of many, I'm sure. I guess it just goes to show you that no matter how miserable you are or how hard things get, God sends people and messages for you. Whether they're messages of love or a reality check, He's got it covered.

Another thing that our pastor said today - bad things happen quickly. It's the good things that take a while - like finishing school or building a life with someone. I just thought that was very true. You never see the bad things coming. They just hit and move on - like the damage in T-town due to the tornadoes or a car wreck that changes your life. But, good things - like recovery and the help of friends - those take time. Just as healing.

Mawaige is what bwings us together today

I think it's comforting sometimes to realize that you are not alone in your problems. I find myself and many others contemplating the same thing lately - marriage. I think that it's really hard growing up in the South, where my aunt was married by age 16 and my mother and sister by age 24. Most of my friends are wondering when and how they are supposed to meet someone when:

1. The only people that we see are the same people everyday - classmates & attendings
2. The prospects are grim - classmates.

Strangely, this is not just the females. I've heard some of the guys mention it as well (which usually makes me laugh). I just wonder how people so driven to get where they are can suddenly be so worried about finding a significant other. I just feel like we all have this fear that we'll end up alone. While I don't believe that is the case for any of us, I really think that in weak moments where we are exhausted, sleep-deprived, and/or hungry (Do not underestimate the power of hunger.), we give into the fear.

I know that we all need a partner to venture through life with us, but I think my little sis said it best recently (while we were talking about marriage). She said that she's been reading a book, Lady in Waiting, and it said that women typically think that marriage will make them complete, when it will not. I think that this is always the case - we constantly say to ourselves and others, "If I can just get ___, then I'll be okay." That could be married, have children, finish med school, ect. However, I think that we need to find confidence in God that he will lead us down the path that he has set out for us.

The "just for fun" league

Games are not "just for fun" when medical students are involved. We happen to play a lot of catch phrase at the cozy cottage, which usually results in a least 2 or 3 people arguing about rules and cheating. There is also a lot of laughing. However, we are all so darn competitive. This also bleeds over into every game we play. We have a coed team for volleyball in the "just for fun" league. I told them not to include me if they were to competitive because I am honestly not very good at volleyball. They said that they really weren't.

Last night was intense. In volleyball intramurals, you play best out of 5, which means that it's usually over after 3 games. However, we lost the 1st 2 games last night. Midway through game 3 when we were ahead, one guy on our team was sitting out talking about what we needed to win. I immediately got nervous. That meant that they would expect me not to catch the ball AND hit it over the net. Then, we won games 3 &4. I made it through without catching the ball. However, I did hit the ball out on a few occasions. Even though I did really well for me, I still felt bad about losing and apologized constantly. In the 5th and final game, the entire room was silent before each serve and a thunder storm roared in the background. No joke. It was intense! We ended up losing by 2 points. It was so sad. How did something fun get so intense? I really think that there really isn't a "just for fun" league when med students are involved. I guess I'm no exception.

Family portrait, shmortrait

I can't resist posting a few pics from our family vacation, especially since we have our first true family portrait since I don't know when... Maybe Ellen's wedding. So, 3 years ago. No one else is getting married any time soon, so we took matters into our own hands.

I like pics where we're all laughing. I think it's more real life.

However, if you ever meet anyone in my family, this will be a familiar sight.

This pose was the brainchild of Ellen and me. My mother was very dismayed. Mike resisted the temptation to join. I don't see why.

Well, I hope that you have enjoyed our silliness. On to study some neuro, since I avoided it like the plague during spring break. Boo.

Spring Break

Well, we all survived another family road trip of 12 hours. Mama Jean even seemed to manage okay. Mom has finally recovered after almost 2 days after getting back. It was really good to see Ellen, Mike, and Maddison. Maddy was such a good dog! We walked and played, and she's a cuddler. It was nice to have everyone together again.

In other news, I have an infected toe. Beware of pedicurists that push back your cuticles! I little strange but true. I just saw a podiatrist in the ham, and he broke the news. Nothing too bad - I'll just have to apply some Neosporin and a bandaid. It's kind of nice when you think that you're crazy b/c you think your toe is swollen. However, my craziness was just proven not to be so crazy at all. Who knew? (I'm guessing this is a one time thing.)

I really do miss the ham, but I am afraid that I must leave to go back to Mobtown to study. Boo. Neuro is not a very forgiving course, and I refuse to screw it up this time. Hopefully, Chad will whip my butt into shape. Well, onward and forward - studying, lunch with some friends, and then packing to go back to Mobtown. I can't wait for June 5th!

5 people, 1 car

Here we go. Family road trip 2011. Be afraid. Mama Jean (my grandmother) is joining us for the trip. I have given up facebook, and I think there's a good possibility that I might leave something important behind - like my phone charger or socks. This could get interesting. 12 hours in the van to Richmond. 3 days with Ellen (older sis) & Mike. Then, 12 hours back. Mom has a virus with superimposed strep throat. Wish me luck.

Since my last post:

1. I am officially 25, which means that I am a quarter of a century (not half of a century as my mom suggested). No worries. She figured out that it was she who was half a century.
2. I do not really freak out about exams. (I haven't figured out if this is a positive or negative feature.)
3. I have stopped being a baking machine. Although, I still bake from time to time. (Luke informed me that I was going to give him diabetes.)
4. It has been a month since my last trip to T-town. Excellent occasion - Kim's goodbye to her roaring 20s. Hopefully, I will make another trip soon to see a baseball game.
5. My grandmother has finally agreed to go on a road trip with the fam. (We will see what disasters may occur.)
6. My lil' sis has taken one part of the CPA exam - only 4 more to go.
7. My older sis has a job and a house with her new hubby and puppy. (This is where our family road trip will take us for spring break.)
8. Baseball season has begun! (I kicked it off with a viewing of The Rookie - excellent movie.)
9. I rearranged my room. No one else can tell but me, but I still like it.
10. I miss making lists, so I though that I would revive this practice. :)

Me, Myself, and I

Have you ever just lost a little bit of yourself? You're so busy and stressed that you lose a part of who you are. Laughing is harder. Having a normal conversation is more difficult. When you aren't busy, you just feel exhausted and vegetate. That was last year for me. School was hard. Trying to be there for others was even more difficult. Then, I ended up finding out that I had to repeat the year. Perfect. I was upset, to say the least. But, I have a different perspective of it today.

While it's been hard to make new friends and act normal while everyone knows that I am, in fact, repeating. Not fun. However, I can say that I feel the most like myself in a very long time. I don't worry that much anymore. I study when I need to. I meet up with friends (old and new). I have even read a book or two since school has started. (Very abnormal for a med student - ask any that you know.) I laugh more. Very cheesy but true. Maybe God knew what he was doing. Not the easiest path, nor the most pleasant. But, I do feel a little more like myself every day - not that crazy, worried med student that can't have a normal conversation. It feels good to be back. :)

blue like jazz

I have greatly neglected reading this book, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's a bestseller. As silly as that sounds, I avoid books on the bestseller list. I just hate mainstream sometimes... They glorify books that I think are shallow or just stupid - case in point - The Twilight series. Like an idiot, I read them only to be disappointed. I should have known better. Just because it's a good read doesn't mean that it's a good book. Anyway, I have heard of this book (Blue Like Jazz) a lot and have tried very hard to avoid it. It wouldn't be good - it's a bestseller... Boy, was I wrong.

I usually avoid Christian books. Yet another strange thing. I guess mostly b/c a lot of mainstream Christian books seem almost like propaganda to me - far right interpretations that leave little room for something that isn't cookie cutter. Honestly, I don't feel very cookie cutter. In fact, it almost insults me when I am considered cookie cutter. My friends are not perfect. I am not perfect. Why would I want to read something that requires me to appear perfect. I just want to live in a world where I am not a failure before I even start reading book that makes me feel like I am.

Blue Like Jazz hit the nail on the head for me, really. It is honest and REAL. I have always had the Sunday school answers, but it always felt contrived. Some of my favorite speakers have been real - they liked Jesus b/c he got mad or talked back to the pharisees. He was a real person. So when I read something that is idyllic and doesn't allow Jesus to be real, I am automatically not interested. I just feel like I don't fit that picture - I have MANY issues with the organized church, yet I can't live without it. I feel like a freakin' walking contradiction when honestly we're all just doing our best. I am not trying to justify myself or the actions of others. I am just longing for something real. I guess I kind of gave up on the church and fitting a perfunctory role in life when I really didn't have to.

All this is to say, thank you Donald Miller for being willing to open yourself up and poor out your heart. That is very hard and makes you vulnerable to the world. Thank you for your honesty and your downfalls. I love all my friends - big, small, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. Thank you for the courage to write about your own friends that live outside of the box. I have greatly enjoyed your perspective and will take a part of it with me for the rest of my life. For those that haven't read it, give it a chance. It is quirky, funny, and full of great stories.

Unexpected

I was sitting on my couch when the doorbell rang. I saw the man pull up and walk to the door, but I thought he would just leave something... Nope. He rang the doorbell. He looked sort of familiar, but I couldn't place him. I answered the door, and lo and behold, it was the head pastor at the church that I visited on Sunday. I always put down my address when I visit a new church. As strange as this sounds, I am curious about what churches do with visitors. After years of talking and watching my dad deal with visitors, I wanted to see it in action. Well, Ashland UMC just upped the ante. I can honestly say that I don't really know of a church that their head pastor visits the new visitors! Some churches have members stop by. This is a first.

I have also concluded that it's a very small world. This pastor is on the board at BSC and knows some of the same people that I do... Strange how the world is all connected. Lovely and unexpected. I think I'm going back on Sunday. :) Can't wait to see what happens....

Change - a big word

Change. Not a word that anyone likes to hear on a regular basis. What does it mean when a person is different? Is it that we get to know them better and our opinions change? Or is it that we change gradually everyday so that we become someone with a different outlook? Can people change? These are all questions that effect who we become.

When people have relationship issues, a common comment is, "You are not the person I knew when we met." Does that mean that the person was not supposed to change over time? Honestly, people are always changing. This does not mean that a person changes completely from one day to the next. However, I do believe that we make decisions each day that slightly change our personalities leading us down different paths in life. The simple decision to ignore the truth could end in denial and a bitter outlook, whereas another trivial decision could lead a person down a completely different path. I don't think that people are always aware of these trivial decisions. I know that I do not have a plan when I decide where to go to lunch. But, that location may completely change who I encounter and to whom I become close. A trivial decision to have lunch with someone that you don't know, could expand your mind to places that you never though it would go.

So, when someone comments that "I've changed," I take it as a compliment. Is the point of life not to grow and experience all things in life? This would include the good, the bad, and the plain ugly. This does not mean, however, that I am not Anna. Each person will most likely always retain certain characteristics of who they are. So, maybe this is not a morphing process but more like polishing. God will take us and form us into what he wants us to be. So, change is a scary and uncertain thing but not permanent nor final. In some ways, that is very reassuring. I hope that I never stop changing or learning new things.

Self-improvement

On my quest to a more balanced life, I have decided that I have a missing component. While all women would like to lose weight, I want to merely eat better. In order to achieve this, I am counting calories. In order to maintain a healthy lifestyle and maintain something close to order, I am going to start writing down what I eat. Maybe I will cut down on portions. Who needs 5 chocolates in the afternoon? I know that's not good for me. So, this is my quest.

As an update, I do swim on occasion. It's not as regular as I would like, but I have noticed a change in my mood. I am generally more pleased and feel much better after swimming. It's nice to have something outside of school that does not disappoint. Also, it has ever so slightly helped my back issues.... Not completely, but it has taken away some of the numbness in my toes.

Hopefully, I will gain more patience, understanding, and fortitude through these endeavors. Who knows? Maybe my grades might even improve (but don't hold your breath for that one).

The only interesting thing about genetics

I am studying for my genetics test that is on Friday. This transcript had me laughing out loud. Here is a window into my life as a student:

"They have macular degeneration. That’s what makes them blind. Their blindness is worse during the daytime because they macular degeneration means they don’t see color very well. In darkness they see very well. In fact, one of those family members was a drug dealer. He was killed during the daytime, but during the night he was very good (chuckles…)."

"Those kids don’t eat at birth, so because of this, when they start eating at 2 or 3 months, the mothers are so happy that they feed them like crazy to make them grow, and suddenly when they reach 1 year of age, they look like BIG HUGE PUMPKINS!!! The mother is excited the kid is eating – this is not good. I told the mother she didn’t want a pumpkin, she wanted a normal child. "

Yes, these are ACTUAL quotes from class....

Lent

Lent is a time for self examination. I think that all fellow med students would agree that this semester is rough. This excruciating, unrelenting schedule will be over in a few months, but we must make it that far! After many discussions with my roomies and parents, I had a revelation. It's really hard to continue on with this when I know that my life is at a halt. I looked at other's fb profiles and become disheartened b/c life was continuing forward without me. I also have a problem with constantly comparing myself to others. Most would agree that this is what has gotten me where am I today or that it only gives me a competitive nature... However, when taken too far, it can lead only to self loathing. Like, why can't I be as smart as ___. Or, life would be so much easier if ___. These only lead to utter frustration. So, for lent this year, I have given up fb in order to reflect on my strengths and restore my daily walk with God. As I progress through med school, I believe that he has put me here in this situation to strengthen me for what He has planned for me. Right now, I need to trust in Him and make it through this year!! :) Hopefully, this will put my life in perspective.

Cause & Effect

I feel like a freakin' crazy person.

This week: After reading two emails and not paying attention, I missed out on a meeting and forgot to dress up for a picture. Not a big deal... Then, I got a message to meet someone in the lobby today. Like an idiot, I somehow thought he said the student lounge. I then received a text asking me if I were coming to the lobby.... I lost my phone at the house and couldn't find it anywhere. After Britni called it 3 times, I found it in the pantry on a shelf. I just lost my charger after absent mindedly putting it down.

Conclusion: I am slowly loosing my mind. I have turned into a person that doesn't really read emails, forgets appointments, and loses objects all around the house.

Resolution: I am going to try to make my life more balanced. Maybe then, I'll concentrate better and regain some sanity. This includes swimming 3 times a week.... Hopefully, I won't completely lose my mind. Then, we'll all be in trouble.

Forward?

So, I had the recent realization that I might be forward... Strange, right? :) I think that calling a guy first is fine (as long as he has initiated some other form of contact). What's the big deal? You know that someone wants to talk to you, but they don't know your schedule. Since my schedule frequently changes, why not just call the guy first and give him a break? That way, he's not worried about interrupting studying or calling at a bad time. If a person calls at a bad time, thenyou have to leave awkward messages and play phone tag. Why not just cut all of this out and just call the guy? It cuts all this out and makes life a little more simple.

Then again, I did pretty much ask out my boyfriend in high school... I thought it was stupid to spend all our time together and know that we liked each other. So, I just asked him if he liked me straight out (I did tell him that I liked him 1st). He was pretty shocked, but we started dating right after that. I guess I'm just forward by default? Or maybe I'm just blunt... Is that so shocking?

On the Diving Board Once Again

School is back in session. Yuck. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's tough. The classes are more difficult and tests more frequent. My goal is to not loose it this semester and hopefully pass step 1 at the end of the year. This will not be easy. I request patience and support. I apologize for my grim outlook, but there is only so much a person can take. Hopefully, all will be well at the end of the semester and all this worrying will be unnecessary. Until then, I guess I'm just going to dive in and let God do the rest...