Porch lights & other glorious things

Freedom. This is amazing. Free time without guilt. I just got back from a $1 movie. The porch light was left on for me. I miss this. Relaxing, hanging out with friends, and being somewhat normal.

Roller Coaster

This week has been quite a roller coaster. While every student in my class looked forward to a glorious break from the grueling grind of med school, we all had a final looming over our head. We all seemed to remain somewhat stable and tried to carry on. Then, the unthinkable occurred - the micro department miscalculated our grades, which made my grade take a turn for the worst - failing... Thankfully, it was a miscalculation, but it took them a good 24 hours to figure it out and three days to fix it. I must say that this thwarted whatever Christmas spirit I had for a day or so... Then, we had our final Thursday morning. Difficult. Long. Whatever. Then, I frantically packed what I could yesterday, so the MOST amazing people in the world could help me move. (They truly are amazing - thanks for the help!!!) However, the moving process was interrupted by a trip to a neurosurgeon in town, which I had been waiting to see.

To my peeps:

As I sit here avoiding the inevitable (studying), I can't help but think about all the wonderful, supportive people that I have in my life. My friends and family are amazing, whether they have known me for a mere year and a half or my whole life. There's been quite a bit of drama around me lately. I have not been a part of it, but many of my friends have had a hard time. After examining my life, I realize that I have amazing people in my life. My family and friends are some of the most understanding people of my life. Even my brother's-in-law mother sent me a card when I first started med school and was having a hard time. Almost every single person is understanding when I cut a conversation short, grumble about studying all the time, and become irritated easily. They just support me and listen to my insanity. For those of you reading this, thank you for being wonderful. I know that I am constantly whiny and may not appreciate your honesty. But today, I say thank you, which does not seem like enough... Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thanksgiving

Well, this is officially my first Thanksgiving away from home. I must say that I was a little sad not getting to hang out with the fam, especially since they went to Dallas to see my aunt & cousins! It seems that this year will just have to be the year that plans fall through. I did not go to t-town or NOLA as planned this month. I have missed out on a lot, but hopefully I will regain some control next year... Maybe?

Thanksgiving was great b/c I hung out with Elizabeth & her family. Priyal & Britni tagged along as well, and we all invaded the Donahue Thanksgiving bash. There were a ton of kids there! There was this little girl, Sarah (around 3 years old). She was so funny. You could tell that she was going to have a serious tude when she grows up! I don't really blame her, considering that she has 5 older brothers. She called all of us "her girls" and "her friends" all night. It was really funny. I just about cried I was laughing so hard, especially when she told Elizabeth that she didn't match. She would also tell us that we were a Disney princess or fairy.... One of her older brothers (4 year old) was chasing us around all night, slashing us up with his imaginary claws (he was a fox). She got upset and told him, "You are evil. Stop chasing my girls and eating my girls!" While the stress of our upcoming test did not completely leave my mind, I am very glad that a family was so willing to accept 3 medical students into their family for Thanksgiving dinner. Now, back to fungi & parasites!

Rediscover

Sadly, no Tuscaloosa for me. Instead, my mom & grandmother came down for the weekend. Long story. We watched the LSU game, and I almost had an anxiety attack. My litte sister laughed at me when I told her that I called Dad like 8 times during the game. My friend Michael said that he was going to have heart problems due to UA football. Needless to say, we all made it through.

Yet another test awaits as I sit here typing away. (Yes, I am avoiding the pathology powerpoint about the ovary...) I was thinking about how people have different aspects to their personalities. The more you talk to them, the more you see. It's kind of like standing in front of a painting. The longer you stand there, the more you realized that you would have missed if you just went waltzing by. Sometimes, though, we forget about all the different things that make us who we are. Sometimes I feel like I am just working one portion of my personality - the science interested part. In fact, I think it's overworked. I remembered this week that there's more to me than that. Strange how one conversation makes you realize something about who you are. It's kind of like discovering a CD that you knew you had but forgot about. I like the tune. I can't wait for break when I really get to think and talk about something else - like silly things... :)

Good News

I have survived, and I don't have a blood or lymphoid neoplasm (that I know of...). I have a week or so to recover. The plan: go to T-town for the LSU vs. UA game. I am soooo stoked! I get to hang out with my friends that are there (minus Bonbon, sad times). Sarah has also informed me that she is gracing me with her presence. So, if you are in T-town and want to meet my crazy little sister, please contact me!! Haha.... Plus, a bunch of people from my class are going to be there. Can't wait! T-town, here I come...

I am convinced...

that I will die from either a blood, lymphoid, or myeloid disorder because I can't learn any of it for this freaking path test. Yes, it is the day before the test. Yes, I am whining. Why? Because I am reaching the point of no return. You know, when you reach a point where nothing else will fit into your brain.... There's just one problem - I haven't learned the material. Like, I recognize names. That's about it. (So, I'm being a little dramatic...) My brain hurts. My back hurts, and I am tired of staring at notes. I am leaving my apt. Hopefully, I will regain some sanity. Maybe isolated study is not for me.... I might just loose my mind before our next test. (that would be next Monday...) If you happen to loose contact with me, I am most like dead from a heme/oncology attack or have entered the loony bin....

Yum.... Pumpkin

There is something about fall that makes me sooo happy. (Maybe it's that I won't sweat the moment I walk out the door in the morning.) Although Mobile has not cooled down yet, it is promising when you walk about the door and say to yourself, "Hey! It's kind of chilly!"

The smells of fall and winter are so inviting - apple cider, good coffee, baked goods! Man, I always want to cook things that are absolutely horrible for me! I saw the most wonderful recipe for pumpkin cupcakes that I might have to make for the girls' intramural flag football game. Sometimes I think that there's something wrong with me. Who wants to cook?! Um, me. :) Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cupcakes, apple pie.... I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Wait. I have to study... Maybe it will all work out somehow. Now, I have to figure out when I have time to go grocery shopping!

Moving on....

Someone told me when I started med school that it would be hard to watch life continue on normally for everyone else while you're stuck in the library. Originally, I thought, "Duh. I mean, what else to you expect to happen?" However, I don't really think that it hit me until this year. When you are miles away from people that you almost (or literally) lived with, you realize how important they are and what they provided. What's even harder is the fact that they go on to experience different things and don't tell you about it. You realize that you no longer are privy to their day to day experience. Along with that, things may change rather quickly.

Even calling for a momentary reality check can be somewhat disturbing. You realize that someone moved or started someone new, and you had no idea. While sometimes these things seem small, it really makes you think about how stuck you are. Working towards something is somewhat rewarding, but it is mainly frustrating - everything is put on hold in pursuit of one thing. This means that the normal things in life fade into the background. You forget what it's like to hold a conversation that doesn't include discussions about diseases, weird skin rashes, or diarrhea, which is frustrating for people outside of class. You forget birthdays, days of the week, and months of the year. More frustratingly, you can't attend weddings of close friends, hang out at a tailgate, or celebrate holidays with family.

Essentially, life moves on without you. You simply can't do everything or be there for everyone. Then, you call up those people to vent about your life, which is unfair to them - the friendship becomes somewhat one-sided. I guess all friendships are one-sided at some point, but this doesn't help the feeling of helplessness that encompasses you when you remember that your reality is not even reality at all. While school may be life, that's not all there is to life. There's so much more, even if you are stuck for the moment in the warped reality that is med school....

Mismatch Day...

So, I left the house in a hurry and ran to class. I was running a little more late than usual - I left at 7:35 instead of 7:20. I know. I'm a lame early-riser. When I study, I curl up in my seat. I fold up my legs or put them in another seat. After studying for a while, I was changing positions when I looked down and realized that I was wearing two different shoes! I was wearing a brown flip flop and a black flip flop. I take all of my shoes off in the same place and didn't realize that I had put on two different shoes on the way out the door. To make matters worse, I was wearing a blue jean skirt that came a few inches above my knees. My feet were exposed where everyone could see.

Strangely enough, no one noticed (unless I told them). In fact, I made it all the way through bible study that night at 8 until Shannon told the people standing around me. That's right. Unlike locking my keys in my car, I did something hair-brained without anyone knowing! Ha ha ha! Oh the small things in life.

Secondary career?

Sometimes I really wonder how I got here - medical school. There are many things that I do better than science. I could have been a counselor, chef, professor of literature, or gold digger. (That was for Liz.) :) Quite frankly, I believe that the reason I'm here is because this is what I am meant to do. This makes me wonder if everyone feels that way.

Today, it is very common for people to have not one or two careers but three or four. Some move from job to job. For example, I know someone that was a very successful lawyer. After a while, he decided to stop working for a prominent law firm and become an entrepreneur. He first owned a couple of Express Oil places. Then, after selling those off, he now owns an ice cream shop and who knows what else. However, these jobs do not define him.

My parents' jobs define them to an extent. My father is a minister, and my mother is a high school counselor. I really don't think that my dad will EVER stop working. He will always serve a church in some capacity. My mother has changed jobs a few times, all within the same field. She was a high school biology teacher, stay at home mother, special education teacher (middle school), middle school & high school counselor. While all of these jobs have different titles, they do the same thing. All of these jobs require a lot of time. Essentially, they are workaholics.

A job can define who you are to a certain extent. It can take over your entire life. What I can't decide is if this is a good or bad thing. Also, what happens to the other interests that you have. While my mother loves science, she does not really do anything with it anymore. In fact, she doesn't really have time for any hobbies. So, what happens to our secondary interests in life. Are they persued? Are they left behind? Or, do they turn into a secondary career? Now, I wonder what that means for me. Will my career change because of what I feel that I am meant to do? I can't say. I least I can say that I will finish medical school and be a doctor at least until I have paid off my loans. Other than that, who knows what will happen next.... Maybe I'll win the lottery and really have my life turned upside down. :)

Sunshine & misc

There was a gap there... I was traveling and working at camp this summer. Both left me frequently without internet or phone service... I've kind of enjoyed being disconnected. :)

I forgot how much I loved the outdoors. As sad as this is, I literally missed the sun shining on my face for more than the two minutes that it takes me to walk to my car. There really is something to be said about being outside tromping around in the woods. One of my co-counselors at camp was deathly afraid of getting a tick or leeches (from the lake during canoeing). These things do not scare me. Neither do snakes, really. Maybe I should get my head examined... Taking a summer break to frolic in the sun was just what I needed. While I do not look forward to retreating back indoors for this fall, I am glad that I have somewhat gotten some freedom.

Other than that, I have decided that I love visiting family. You never know what you'll learn... Oh, the many things that you find out from relatives. :) Anyhow, I should probably go to bed, so I can get up and start cleaning and packing to head back to school. :l

plan of mice n' men

Summer is slipping through my hands. I can't believe that it's almost July!

It's strange to me how life doesn't work out as planned. As dumb as that sounds, I still have the audacity to make plans. (I am a fool. I know.) Plans make everything seem organized when life isn't that way. I would like to believe that one day I will not make any plans for the day. I think I might do an experiment one day and plan nothing. While it will probably be very difficult, it would be interesting to see if it's any different than a normal summer day. Let the experiment begin!

Oh, the insanity

There are some people that allow you the freedom to be yourself without any barriers. I find that they are few in number but very valuable. When all else fails, these people allow you to be goofy, inconsolable, in a funk, or just difficult. This is amazing to me. In a world where I find myself tamed into the cage that is socially acceptable and comfortable for others, these few friends make it possible to break free - to unleash the madness within. Let's be honest, we all have madness within. Usually, this is locked away inside where very few see the absolute insanity that comes with conversations at the wee hours of the morning or after your brain has turned to mush.

This summer has been an endeavor outside the normal, tamed box. I am currently running straight on into the madness at camp, embracing the insanity and loveliness of chaos as it crosses my path. While unsettling, chaos and craziness provide a calm and rejuvenating freedom of insanity that I lost somewhere in the black hole of medical school. So, sign me up for the looney bin. I am ready. :) WOOOOOHOOO for summer!

Companions

After visiting with my aunt in Dallas, I've really been thinking about companions... My aunt has reached the point in her life where her friends are now dying. She is 12 years older than my father and pretty much our grandmother on his side. (Our grandparents died when we were young.) She is watching those close to her suffer from cancer or suddenly leave here with heart attacks. I can't imagine how difficult that is. However, this is a reality that many of the aging population face.

Back in the day, older women would take on companions in their old age. The young women were left in their care. They would travel and take their companions with them. The young women would gain knowledge from these older women and maybe an inheritance when the older woman had passed. In our society, this is lost. While there are some cases where this still exists - i.e. children living with and caring for their parents, I think that the overall idea has somewhat changed. The exchange of knowledge between the young and old has diminished in our culture.

While the old may fart unexpectedly or carry on from time to time, I do believe that they hold life experiences and perspectives that could broaden people's perspective. So, I petition that we bring back companions. Why not have someone to keep you company? I like company. :)

Warning - this is very sentimental - don't judge

My friends are wonderful. I am unreasonable when it comes to what I believe is inevitable. They are able to:

1. convince me that I am being unreasonable (no small feat - mind you)
2. reason with me (a.k.a. give me a sunny outlook)
3. make me laugh when I need to
   
4. get me to realize that I'm not alone (yet another feat)
5. bring me out of a slump

All of these things are very useful. And this is my shout out to those who have made my days brighter:

• Bonnie - really? Is there anything that you don't do for me?
• Kacie - talking me away from the edge
• Sarah - you are wise in ways that most people underestimate. I do not underestimate you. Much love lil' sis!
• Allison - you are always positive (how do you do it?)
• Elizabeth - you make me laugh! :)
• Shannon - you deal with my ranting and crazy conversations while studying (No one should see that crazy person. You deal with it quite well.)
• Michael - you didn't hang up when I was crying (I'm still amazed.)
• Peter - "just keep swimming" - you are amazingly reassuring; even more - I believe you!

There are many others that keep me going, but I don't want to bore you. Thank you to all who put up with my craziness. God bless!

Words...

From one friend to another to me:

"One day, we'll look back at med school as just a big misunderstanding."

Here, here!

Intelligence

What is intelligent? Smart? Brilliant? Genius? All these words have slightly different meanings. Most people have brilliant ideas, whereas others are brilliant. The brilliant idea is good enough to sustain a family for a lifetime. For example, inventors have changed the way of life. Who would have thought to put glue on the back of paper so that is stuck to things? Not me. The inventor - brilliant. Brilliant people stand out in a crowd, beg to be noticed, merely because they are wonderful and intelligent. Brilliance suggests a bright shining light, like a brilliant actress. We have many "brilliant" actresses and award them Oscars.

Smart people exhibit undeniable book smarts. This term is reserved for the highly academic who are highly specialized in their respective fields. Some that jump to my mind - E.O. Wilson - amazing biologist and philosopher. He is smart - he looks at the world around him and makes observations that no one else would see.

Genius - now that's a word that is usually associated with IQ. Einstein is a genius that almost every person knows. If not from a textbook that mentions his theories, then from his all too famous picture with his hair haphazardly hung around his face.

But intelligence hold a completely different meaning that is not relegated to "brilliant," "genius," or "smart." These people hold more than book intelligence and emotional intelligence. This intelligence could pertain to any subject or field. I would like to believe that each person is intelligent in one area of expertise. Our culture certainly promotes this theory - each person should pick one thing in which to excel. I think that of all labels given to a person for their achievements, intelligence would be the most accurate. For only some are smart, genius, or brilliant. I believe that each is intelligent in his or her way.

Insanity finds a way

Good conversations usually happen when I'm completely exhausted. Ok. Maybe just conversations where I laugh like a kid playing outside. The fact that most of these hilarious conversations happen in the library.

Last year, I was usually camped out in a friend's room acting like a lunatic. Now, I'm in the middle of the library talking and laughing about something silly while everyone else on the floor is trying to study. Now, my craziness may leak out and infect all those on the floor. Then, no will be able to study!!

Maybe I shouldn't write when I've been studying all day, and it's late at night.

Putting away the computer now....

Wind and Other Matters

I had all my windows rolled down on my way home from school. It was lovely. The wind is really strong due to all the storms blowing in for the week. :) As I was rounding the corner where the frat houses are, a huge gust blew a ton of little leaves through my window. I had leaves flying in my window, past my face, and out the other side. It was excellent.

P.S.
I also went for a walk and returned an hour and a half later. I really, really have not concept of time. I should probably work on that. Truly, the wind was amazing today. I like a good gust that might take you off your feet.

Guess what?!

I am officially excited! I got an email from one of the producers of "From the Top," a radio show on NPR. Sadly, it is not for my flute playing skills. However, it is for something much more interesting.

Gib, Katie, Elizabeth, and I went to a taping of "From the Top" a couple of months ago. It was wonderful. The kids that they had on the show put me to shame. A 10 year old that played piano almost made me cry it was so beautiful. They are doing a series where different people write in to dedicate songs to significant people or teachers in their lives. At the end of the show, we all had the opportunity to fill out a card and propose a dedication. The producer emailed me this morning and wants to talk about what I wrote. He would like to discuss doing a recording for a show!!

Really, I love NPR. How awesome is that?! Elizabeth and Gib made fun of me for taking too long to fill out the card... Who knew that they would like my dedication?

If you're wondering - I dedicated the song to my parents. After growing up with the two of them singing and playing piano all the time, I appreciate the love that they gave me for music. Little did they know that it would include my perfectionism in the form of anger - I dedicated the song to my parents for putting up with me, even when I threw my flute across the room...

I wonder why he thought that was interesting... Oh well, at least I didn't break my flute. :)

Things that I can't wait to do on spring break

1. SLEEP
   
2. go to DC!!!!
3. do laundry (It's amazing how much of that stuff I accumulate!)
4. escape
5. finish Atonement
6. listen to some amazing music
7. see some awesome paintings
8. see my sisters
9. be a somewhat normal human being that isn't freaking out about school all the time
10. spend some quality time with friends
    

IHOP + Keys + Me + My car = INSANITY

Since three people are going to blog about this, I would like to throw my hat in the ring. I locked my car keys in my car while it was running. How did I do this? While standing around with the four people who rode with me to this fateful evening at IHOP waiting on the AAA lock smith to get there, I have come up with some good excuses...

1. I have locked my keys in the car before.
2. I don't have keyless locks, so I just hit the automatic lock on my way out. This allow me to easily lock my keys in the car.
3. I was distracted by the other four people in my car. (See previous post "My Downfall - People")
4. There were FOUR other people in my car that didn't notice that I left if running. (Thank you for pointing that out, Jeni.)
5. Medical school really has actually fried my brain. It is now mush.
   

My family thinks I'm nuts. I called and told my dad. He was silent for an entire minute before he asked if I were ok... My mom didn't even call me. She called my little sister first, who doesn't seem very shocked. (She merely said that she had heard and told me about her test anxiety.)

After all of this, I can say that I enjoyed my free stack of pancakes at IHOP. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time - I was crying from the laughter. (My stomach now hurts from that combination...) Also, I have very nice friends that put up with my insanity. In closing, here's a shout out to those that witnessed the event -
Elizabeth - who made me laugh
Allison - who went to tell Stephen and tried to call and tell Kacie
Shannon - who helped me figure out the color of my car
Lee - who is still probably looking for a wire coat hanger
Stephen - who broke an umbrella to break (unsuccessfully) into my car
Jeni - see #4
Kate - too cute in her matching jacket and pants and ring of blueberry syrup around her mouth

Memory Erasers - Fact or Fiction?

When women give birth naturally, they release a hormone that makes them forget about the pain afterwards. Hence, when I asked my mother about the pain of childbirth, she responds, "oh, that was nothing." I laughed. Three children born naturally. No pain killers. Please. The same woman, who had sinus surgery and was talking about how horrible it was, thought childbirth was no big deal. So, she must have just forgotten.

This just happened to remind me of studying. While at the time a lecture by a certain professor seems absolutely heinous, I think that it's not bad afterwards. I read through all the material for a test and think, "This isn't bad. I can do this." Then, after going through it for the second time I start freaking out. What was I thinking? How is this all going to fit in my brain? Why is my head swimming?! This is ridiculous. There must be a hormone that makes me forget.

Puzzled

When did going to medical school become so popular? Really. I understand that a lot of people go into college claiming pre-med and then drop it. I'm just not seeing it as much... It seems like half of my friends are either going or have suddenly decided that medical school is right for them.

When I was applying, so many of my friends in medical school and doctor friends said not to do it. I never quite grasped that until this year. Apparently, it gets worse. Joy.

I'm still puzzled about the allure of MD at the end of your name. Physicians do make a considerable amount of money, but most of the people I know didn't just decide that they wanted to go to medical school. Most thought about it for a long time, which makes me even more puzzled. Any thoughts?

Panic

Panic is an interesting feeling. It comes as quickly as it goes. The problem is that each person has a different point where they panic. Sometimes, panic will attack you. Other times it is a deep, slow moving dread that develops into panic. Is panic just an extreme form of fear or is it something more deep-rooted. Does it reflect the fear of someone seeing the major flaw within? If it is an extreme form of fear, it would have to be a deep fear.

I panic when I think that I might have locked my keys in the car, when I have left something important, when I think that someone might be following me. These, however, are the passing moments of panic, not the scary panic that takes away your breath. No, panic attacks mean something much more... Panic. Fear.

Practice with fear and panic dulls the shock but doesn't make them disappear. Can a person reach a point where panic or fear never touches them? I think not. Some just hide it better than others.

Types

People always talk about "types." Bonnie's type is men with beards. Ellen dates athletes, ect. Well, I have figured out my type... Intelligent men. The sad part is that I figured this out in class. You're thinking, that's not strange... However, I happen to find dorky professors absolutely adorable. Yes. I am crazy.

Kristen may call me elitist, but there's something absolutely jaw dropping about an intelligent person who can speak with confidence and make the most difficult things seem easy. (Bonnie, this may explain Steffen...) I think that we can all agree that a man with a mind is a horrible thing to waste. Right?

My Down Fall - People

I truly have determined by greatest attribute and flaw. I know, you're excited. The one question you're always asked at an interview and hate to answer - I've got it! I love people. Yes, this means that I have lost my mind. It doesn't matter if I'm tired, sick, or physically and emotionally drained. I will perk up when I meet someone new or talk to one of my good friends. Why is this? I have a disease. I got it from my mother - chatty cathy.

My mother is named Cathy, and she talks a lot. Enough said - I have chatty cathy syndrome. I wonder if I can get this put into medical journals.

"There are different phases in the infection:
Stage 1: patient must talk all the time, annoying all those around
Stage 2: patient must not only talk but connect with the other person while chatting
Stage 3: patient realizes problem but cannot stop
Stage 4: patient does not accomplish tasks due to interest in other people
Treatment: balancing exercises, yoga is highly recommended
While not deadly, chatty cathy proposes an interesting question: Can one involve him or herself too deeply with others?"

Now that I have admitted to the disease, what is the answer? How do you balance this need to be around others? Am I hiding from myself, or do I truly love people? I think that over the years I have moved from a talker to a talker and a listener. While I may do both, I am infinitely distracted by people. The library becomes a dangerous place when I know people - will I get any studying done? Some, but I find the best past time - delving into other people. It is a puzzle that never gets boring. Everyone has a background that makes them who they are. The more that you hear their story, the more you understand them. Once you understand a person, you can gauge reactions and eventually help them more than they ever thought. The challenge: not to get frustrated. Ultimately, each person has a unique set of ideals that may not agree with yours. Whether one is outrageously confrontational or passive, it all makes up a character. Unfortunately, I am so intrigued that I forget about everything else, including myself. I am dealing with my disease - balance. The cure is not easily found. Maybe this is because life is always changing, and the balancing acts starts to look like something out of the circus.