Me, Myself, and I

Have you ever just lost a little bit of yourself? You're so busy and stressed that you lose a part of who you are. Laughing is harder. Having a normal conversation is more difficult. When you aren't busy, you just feel exhausted and vegetate. That was last year for me. School was hard. Trying to be there for others was even more difficult. Then, I ended up finding out that I had to repeat the year. Perfect. I was upset, to say the least. But, I have a different perspective of it today.

While it's been hard to make new friends and act normal while everyone knows that I am, in fact, repeating. Not fun. However, I can say that I feel the most like myself in a very long time. I don't worry that much anymore. I study when I need to. I meet up with friends (old and new). I have even read a book or two since school has started. (Very abnormal for a med student - ask any that you know.) I laugh more. Very cheesy but true. Maybe God knew what he was doing. Not the easiest path, nor the most pleasant. But, I do feel a little more like myself every day - not that crazy, worried med student that can't have a normal conversation. It feels good to be back. :)

blue like jazz

I have greatly neglected reading this book, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's a bestseller. As silly as that sounds, I avoid books on the bestseller list. I just hate mainstream sometimes... They glorify books that I think are shallow or just stupid - case in point - The Twilight series. Like an idiot, I read them only to be disappointed. I should have known better. Just because it's a good read doesn't mean that it's a good book. Anyway, I have heard of this book (Blue Like Jazz) a lot and have tried very hard to avoid it. It wouldn't be good - it's a bestseller... Boy, was I wrong.

I usually avoid Christian books. Yet another strange thing. I guess mostly b/c a lot of mainstream Christian books seem almost like propaganda to me - far right interpretations that leave little room for something that isn't cookie cutter. Honestly, I don't feel very cookie cutter. In fact, it almost insults me when I am considered cookie cutter. My friends are not perfect. I am not perfect. Why would I want to read something that requires me to appear perfect. I just want to live in a world where I am not a failure before I even start reading book that makes me feel like I am.

Blue Like Jazz hit the nail on the head for me, really. It is honest and REAL. I have always had the Sunday school answers, but it always felt contrived. Some of my favorite speakers have been real - they liked Jesus b/c he got mad or talked back to the pharisees. He was a real person. So when I read something that is idyllic and doesn't allow Jesus to be real, I am automatically not interested. I just feel like I don't fit that picture - I have MANY issues with the organized church, yet I can't live without it. I feel like a freakin' walking contradiction when honestly we're all just doing our best. I am not trying to justify myself or the actions of others. I am just longing for something real. I guess I kind of gave up on the church and fitting a perfunctory role in life when I really didn't have to.

All this is to say, thank you Donald Miller for being willing to open yourself up and poor out your heart. That is very hard and makes you vulnerable to the world. Thank you for your honesty and your downfalls. I love all my friends - big, small, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. Thank you for the courage to write about your own friends that live outside of the box. I have greatly enjoyed your perspective and will take a part of it with me for the rest of my life. For those that haven't read it, give it a chance. It is quirky, funny, and full of great stories.

Unexpected

I was sitting on my couch when the doorbell rang. I saw the man pull up and walk to the door, but I thought he would just leave something... Nope. He rang the doorbell. He looked sort of familiar, but I couldn't place him. I answered the door, and lo and behold, it was the head pastor at the church that I visited on Sunday. I always put down my address when I visit a new church. As strange as this sounds, I am curious about what churches do with visitors. After years of talking and watching my dad deal with visitors, I wanted to see it in action. Well, Ashland UMC just upped the ante. I can honestly say that I don't really know of a church that their head pastor visits the new visitors! Some churches have members stop by. This is a first.

I have also concluded that it's a very small world. This pastor is on the board at BSC and knows some of the same people that I do... Strange how the world is all connected. Lovely and unexpected. I think I'm going back on Sunday. :) Can't wait to see what happens....

Change - a big word

Change. Not a word that anyone likes to hear on a regular basis. What does it mean when a person is different? Is it that we get to know them better and our opinions change? Or is it that we change gradually everyday so that we become someone with a different outlook? Can people change? These are all questions that effect who we become.

When people have relationship issues, a common comment is, "You are not the person I knew when we met." Does that mean that the person was not supposed to change over time? Honestly, people are always changing. This does not mean that a person changes completely from one day to the next. However, I do believe that we make decisions each day that slightly change our personalities leading us down different paths in life. The simple decision to ignore the truth could end in denial and a bitter outlook, whereas another trivial decision could lead a person down a completely different path. I don't think that people are always aware of these trivial decisions. I know that I do not have a plan when I decide where to go to lunch. But, that location may completely change who I encounter and to whom I become close. A trivial decision to have lunch with someone that you don't know, could expand your mind to places that you never though it would go.

So, when someone comments that "I've changed," I take it as a compliment. Is the point of life not to grow and experience all things in life? This would include the good, the bad, and the plain ugly. This does not mean, however, that I am not Anna. Each person will most likely always retain certain characteristics of who they are. So, maybe this is not a morphing process but more like polishing. God will take us and form us into what he wants us to be. So, change is a scary and uncertain thing but not permanent nor final. In some ways, that is very reassuring. I hope that I never stop changing or learning new things.

Self-improvement

On my quest to a more balanced life, I have decided that I have a missing component. While all women would like to lose weight, I want to merely eat better. In order to achieve this, I am counting calories. In order to maintain a healthy lifestyle and maintain something close to order, I am going to start writing down what I eat. Maybe I will cut down on portions. Who needs 5 chocolates in the afternoon? I know that's not good for me. So, this is my quest.

As an update, I do swim on occasion. It's not as regular as I would like, but I have noticed a change in my mood. I am generally more pleased and feel much better after swimming. It's nice to have something outside of school that does not disappoint. Also, it has ever so slightly helped my back issues.... Not completely, but it has taken away some of the numbness in my toes.

Hopefully, I will gain more patience, understanding, and fortitude through these endeavors. Who knows? Maybe my grades might even improve (but don't hold your breath for that one).

The only interesting thing about genetics

I am studying for my genetics test that is on Friday. This transcript had me laughing out loud. Here is a window into my life as a student:

"They have macular degeneration. That’s what makes them blind. Their blindness is worse during the daytime because they macular degeneration means they don’t see color very well. In darkness they see very well. In fact, one of those family members was a drug dealer. He was killed during the daytime, but during the night he was very good (chuckles…)."

"Those kids don’t eat at birth, so because of this, when they start eating at 2 or 3 months, the mothers are so happy that they feed them like crazy to make them grow, and suddenly when they reach 1 year of age, they look like BIG HUGE PUMPKINS!!! The mother is excited the kid is eating – this is not good. I told the mother she didn’t want a pumpkin, she wanted a normal child. "

Yes, these are ACTUAL quotes from class....

Lent

Lent is a time for self examination. I think that all fellow med students would agree that this semester is rough. This excruciating, unrelenting schedule will be over in a few months, but we must make it that far! After many discussions with my roomies and parents, I had a revelation. It's really hard to continue on with this when I know that my life is at a halt. I looked at other's fb profiles and become disheartened b/c life was continuing forward without me. I also have a problem with constantly comparing myself to others. Most would agree that this is what has gotten me where am I today or that it only gives me a competitive nature... However, when taken too far, it can lead only to self loathing. Like, why can't I be as smart as ___. Or, life would be so much easier if ___. These only lead to utter frustration. So, for lent this year, I have given up fb in order to reflect on my strengths and restore my daily walk with God. As I progress through med school, I believe that he has put me here in this situation to strengthen me for what He has planned for me. Right now, I need to trust in Him and make it through this year!! :) Hopefully, this will put my life in perspective.

Cause & Effect

I feel like a freakin' crazy person.

This week: After reading two emails and not paying attention, I missed out on a meeting and forgot to dress up for a picture. Not a big deal... Then, I got a message to meet someone in the lobby today. Like an idiot, I somehow thought he said the student lounge. I then received a text asking me if I were coming to the lobby.... I lost my phone at the house and couldn't find it anywhere. After Britni called it 3 times, I found it in the pantry on a shelf. I just lost my charger after absent mindedly putting it down.

Conclusion: I am slowly loosing my mind. I have turned into a person that doesn't really read emails, forgets appointments, and loses objects all around the house.

Resolution: I am going to try to make my life more balanced. Maybe then, I'll concentrate better and regain some sanity. This includes swimming 3 times a week.... Hopefully, I won't completely lose my mind. Then, we'll all be in trouble.

Forward?

So, I had the recent realization that I might be forward... Strange, right? :) I think that calling a guy first is fine (as long as he has initiated some other form of contact). What's the big deal? You know that someone wants to talk to you, but they don't know your schedule. Since my schedule frequently changes, why not just call the guy first and give him a break? That way, he's not worried about interrupting studying or calling at a bad time. If a person calls at a bad time, thenyou have to leave awkward messages and play phone tag. Why not just cut all of this out and just call the guy? It cuts all this out and makes life a little more simple.

Then again, I did pretty much ask out my boyfriend in high school... I thought it was stupid to spend all our time together and know that we liked each other. So, I just asked him if he liked me straight out (I did tell him that I liked him 1st). He was pretty shocked, but we started dating right after that. I guess I'm just forward by default? Or maybe I'm just blunt... Is that so shocking?

On the Diving Board Once Again

School is back in session. Yuck. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's tough. The classes are more difficult and tests more frequent. My goal is to not loose it this semester and hopefully pass step 1 at the end of the year. This will not be easy. I request patience and support. I apologize for my grim outlook, but there is only so much a person can take. Hopefully, all will be well at the end of the semester and all this worrying will be unnecessary. Until then, I guess I'm just going to dive in and let God do the rest...